Birth of a New Baby: A Time to Show Sensitivity to Fertility Challenged Couples |
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by Rachel and Simcha Gluck Commemorating the yahrzeit of Rafael Lev z”l, 27 Adar This Shabbat, Parshat Tazria,
we read about the birth of a baby boy or girl, the procedures of purification
after birth and the commandment to give the baby boy a brit mila, a ritual circumcision. The brit
mila ceremony for a baby boy and the simchat bat celebration for a
baby girl are momentous occasions for the parents of the new baby, yet they can
be very difficult ceremonies to attend for couples suffering from infertility. There is a custom at a brit mila to delegate the
honors of Kvatter and Kvatterin (a man and a woman
who are given the honor to bring the baby boy in the door of the room where the brit mila will take
place) to a couple who is seeking to have a child. This is based on a Midrash
in Bamidbar Raba. There are a few possibilities for the origins of the words Kvatter and Kvatterin: Kvatter and kvatterin are
a Yiddish combination of the words kavod (honor)
and tier (door) since a man and a woman bring a baby boy in the door and take
the baby out after the ceremony. Rabbi Asher Anshil Grunwald in his book Zocher HaBrit derives “kvattar” from “gevattar,” the German word for
intimate friend. The Talmud Kritot 6b teaches that the ktoret (incense)
is described as koter
v’oleh, burning and ascending to heaven. Those involved with the brit are compared to the Kohen
who performed the incense burning in the Beit HaMikdash. Over time, the word koter was mispronounced and
became kvatter. Was being a Kvatter and Kvatterin always considered a segula for a couple with
fertility issues? The Aruch HaShulchan mentions many women being involved in passing
the baby but does not mention the idea of it specifically being a segula for a childless couple,
rather an honor and a mitzvah. Concerns for specifically
inviting a fertility-challenged couple to be the kvatter/kvatterin: They may be uncomfortable attending the brit. They may feel put on the spot when asked and feel obligated to say
yes. They may feel like everyone’s eyes are upon them/ feeling sorry
for them. A woman in niddah may
be uncomfortable, as she may be concerned about passing the baby to her husband. The couple may be going through medical treatments that require
them to be at the doctor/ hospital or may not feel up to waking up so early in
order to attend. Some people connect to segulot while
others do not and everyone should be respected for their belief. The minhag was not originally about inviting a couple without
children, it was about giving friends the opportunity to participate in the
mitzvah. For the integrity of the minhag, it is important to include friends
who have children as well and not turn it into a stigma for childless couples. Recommendations: Only ask a couple to serve as Kvatter and Kvatterin if you are sure that
they would feel comfortable being invited (ex: very close friend or relative)
and leave an opening for them to turn down the honor if they are not interested. The time of the brit
milah is looked at as an et
ratzon (auspicious time), a time when all of those present
have the opportunity to pray for what they need. In the book Aderet Eliyahu,
Rabbi Eliyahu Guttmacher explains that the time that the baby cries at the brit is an “et ratzon.” Rabbi Shlomo Efraim, author of the Kli Yakar wrote in his book
Olelot Efraim that Mizmor 6 of Tehillim, La’menatzeach
beneginot al HaShminit Mizmor L’David is an appropriate Psalm
to recite at the brit. We must keep in mind that couples who are experiencing fertility
challenges have different ways of coping with attending friends’ life cycle
events, especially a brit
milah or simchat
bat. We must be sensitive to their needs and leave the door open
for them to choose if they want to attend at all, take part in the ceremony if
they do attend, or quietly say a Psalm or their own private individual prayers. Yesh Tikva Infertility Awareness Shabbat This Shabbat, Keren Gefen Mind-Body Fertility Organization and
Midreshet Nishmat are pleased to partner with Yesh Tikva’s Annual Infertility
Awareness Shabbat which will be taking place in over 300 Synagogues in the USA,
Canada and Israel. The goal of this Shabbat is to enhance communal
understanding and facilitate empathy for those who have not yet been blessed
with children or who are struggling to expand their families. On Shabbat
morning, April 6, 2019, Rosh Hodesh Nisan, over 300 Synagogues in the USA and
Israel will share a message or D’var Torah that helps enhance communal
understanding and facilitate empathy for those who have not yet been blessed
with children or who are struggling to expand their families. |